Week 40 – love

Apologies in advance for this sentimental post. In my defence, I have a massive headache and am feeling quite emotional.

This evening, after Reindeer fell asleep in my arms, I kissed his forehead and told him I loved him. I do this every night. For the next few minutes I just sat there cuddling him. He was so relaxed and looked so contented. It got me thinking about love.

Whilst I know that he doesn’t understand the words ‘I love you’, I feel the need to say them out loud to him anyway. I don’t know why. Or rather, I do know why, it just doesn’t make any sense.

I tell him because I’m worried that he won’t know otherwise. One day I won’t be able to tell him that any more and I don’t want him to be in any doubt, when that day comes (hopefully a very long time from now), just how much his mama loves him. Ridiculous, right?

Even at just 9-months though, I think he senses that I love him. Despite being the one who brushes his teeth (which he dislikes), changes his nappy (he hates having to lie still) and tries to get him from bath to feed as quickly as possible (because he’s usually tired and grizzly by this time) he still wants to play with me, have cuddles with me and know where I am. When he’s sad it is my neck he wants to cuddle into. And also my shoulder that he wants to wipe his nose on.

Before Reindeer was born, I had no concept of how strongly I would feel for this new life or how much it would matter to me that this little person loved me back. But it feels and matters more than I can express. It makes me feel vulnerable and afraid – because who knows what the future holds? But it also makes me feel amazingly happy and humble to have Reindeer want this bond with me.

Watching him sleeping in my arms this evening, safe and secure, I think I finally understand what people mean when they say there is no feeling like the love you have for your child.

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